Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A kind of, but not really, update on the baby sitch...

Okay...so not really an update at all because I haven't been to my follow up appt...so I'm not going to get too much into my body, or its functionings, right now...lol
(If you're new and wonder what I'm talking about when I say update, you can read this & you'll get it.)

This is more so just rambling and ranting.

You know...baby fever sucks a lot more when you're body isn't quite functioning properly.
When you know that it isn't going to be easy for you to experience that, if ever.
I know a handful of people, possibly two handfuls, that are currently pregnant.
I've seen Facebook posts of "something's in the water".
Cause I'm not knocked up.
...yea, I realize how selfish that sounds...

And then there are the abundance of people who are pregnant that probably shouldn't be.
(Like a certain teen mom...)

In all fairness, maybe it's still just not time.
Or at least that's the best thing I can keep telling myself.
We've only been "trying" for a month or 2. So I know not to expect results fast, so my spirits are still high.
I just get annoyed by the fact that someone can have a one night stand or something & boom, baby on board.

I try to chalk it upto the whole God has a plan, it's his timing, yadda yadda. Maybe he's waiting for me to get a job, or maybe he feels it's not the right time...blah blah blah.
Or maybe he thinks I'm not ready, I often contemplate whether I am or not also, because I still have my days where I don't like the sight of (some) kids. (lol) Or because I doubt myself and wonder if I'll be a good mom. Or because I'm scared of such a HUGE life changing factor (fyi-I don't like change). Or because I'm just downright scared.
I think all of those are possible...
But I still have my days where I'm just like,..
Why do I not get to experience this when I have wanted a kid since I was like 19 or 20, if not younger? (Don't think I'm crazy! lol I fell in love when I became an aunt, I was 15 & I think my maternal instincts kicked in, and a few years after that I kinda started wanting my own.)
Why do I, someone who has done minimal bad things, not get this...but Betty Sue* can have kids & do drugs before, if I'm not mistaking during, aaand after having them. Or Martha Mae* can screw someone she can't even remember and be knocked up.

I have times where I alllways want to browse baby stuff just to see what's new, what kind of baby clothes trends are going on etc.., and then times where I can walk by it and not even notice it.
I even have times where I despise the thought of making a diaper cake, and other times where I reallllly wanna make one...which is almost irrelevant since it's been almost a year since I've made one...haha.
And then there is the semi-fake "ohhh, congratulations" to some people. Not all, there are several people who I am thrilled for, that they are pregnant with number 1 or 2. But there are a few that I sit back and think,...really?!

I teeter-totter on how I feel about all aspects of  babies/kids, pregnancy, parenthood, life...
For some reason the past couple of days..or maybe weeks...it's been on my mind.
Just rambling, wanted to get it out before my head exploded or before I got myself down.

I'm trying to stay positive.
I actually try to not even think about it.
But when I do, I try to be positive.

"For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic."


*names have been changed for protection of the trash person(s) mentioned.


  1. I know exactly how you feel. We have been trying for 4 months now and it feel like an eternity. I just started today after being 4 days late. I was 5 days late last month. It's a cruel joke to be late when you're trying.

  2. Aw girl. I love that you are so truthful and spill your heart out. I'm always trying to be super positive... so... I would say that everything happens for a reason.. and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. It will happen.. keep your head up! =)

  3. You know what KILLS me.. a friend of mine just planned to get pregnant.. and months later got pregnant-- she didn't even like babies. Her fiance who still isn't divorced has a child that he shared custody with-- it's major issues with that. They have NO place to live, no insurance, he barely has a job, etc. She was able to get pregnant, have a healthy baby, etc- BY NO MEANS and I "hating" on her.. even though I have been a nanny all my life and know so much about kids, etc-- she calls me all the time for "help"-- we ARE ready for a baby, I DO know what I'm doing, we do have the means to support a baby.. I cannot stop thinking WHY ME????


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