My no baby rambles.

Having a baby brings on a lot of fears in most women.
For me.
It's almost everything- haha.
I over think things way too much.
But the big ones are the worst.

I feel like when you are trying to conceive your first child in a somewhat planned out manner it gives you a lot of time to think of things.
To think out different scenarios.
My messed up brain? It thinks of the bad.

What if there is something wrong with my body?
What if there is something wrong & I don't find out until after I get pregnant?
After conception...
What if something is wrong or ends up being wrong with my baby?
What if something happens to it?
What if something happens to me?

I feel like it's no secret by now that I'm petrified of death.
I'm scared shitless to give birth. Not going to lie AT ALL.
I'm scared of something going wrong...with me and/or baby.

These, among many others, are things that you decide to deal with and risk when going into starting a family.
And as much as I am wanting that family.
I'm wanting the pitter patter of little brats.
I'm also not completely wanting to deal with any negativity.

Sounds selfish, right?
I can't help it though.

I know God wouldn't give you something you couldn't handle.
But I question that at the same time.
He may think I'm stronger than I do.
I don't do well with a lot of pressure.
I feel like he knows that.

That's another reason I keep trying to tell myself that it's all in His timing.
I've even started praying on it again.

But Dear God, as much as I know it's your timing. I don't want to wait too many more years before I stop trying. I'm talking next year or so. So all I'm saying is, give me some kind of sign. Either it's gonna happen or not. If not, I'd like to know sooner than later so I can move on with my life in the proper direction.

Not knocking annnyyone waiting to get preggers in their late 20's. But me, personally, I have always wanted to be a young mom. Meaning I want a baby like 3 years ago... And Doug does too.

I haven't written about it in a while, because I've been trying doing what everyone on the freaking universe thinks I should do...not thinking about it.
I appreciate that advice from every, I really do, because I know that exactly what I should do. Not think about, not dwell on it, not worry about it.
However, when a couple is trying...it's way--wayyy-- harder to not think about it. Because, well, we're trying. You have to freakin keep up with your period/ovulation for God sakes, how the shit am I really supposed to NOT think about it.

Let me give you a little insight. From my personal experience anyway.
When my period comes, I'm bummed, not because I'm bleeding, but because I know what it likely means. The fact that mine is irregular, sucks so much more.
When my period doesn't come ("on time"-when it's normal-), I get a little excited while telling myself not to get excited.-Because after all,  it's probably just back to it's irregular self-
Having sex? More than likely it's on my mind. If by wonderful chance it's not, chances are it was beforehand & probably will be afterward.
Out to eat; want a margarita? No I probably shouldn't.
Crazy methods? Handstand after sex anyone (okay that's a total exaggeration, lol. But you get my point. It is a funny visual though)
Thinking about/planning working out and eating healthy. Oh you want to get in shape for summer? No I want to get healthy so I can grow a healthy human.

I really, really do try not to think about it a lot. Unfortunately that comes with not taking my prenatals, not tracking my period or checking my ovulation.
But, I've finally started having a few drinks a little more often. I promise I don't do handstands post-bang session. Lately I've gotten better about keeping my mind on other things.
And I really do enjoy everything about not having a kid right now. (which is another bit of advice I always get-and appreciate-).
But it's still there.
And it'll stay there.

I WILL make my follow up appointment next week.
The one I was supposed to make for the second week of JANUARY.
And then maybe I'll have an actual update of sorts instead of just rambles.
I don't even know if this post made a lot of sense & I'm not reading back through to find out.

♥♥♥
B

A kind of, but not really, update on the baby sitch...

Okay...so not really an update at all because I haven't been to my follow up appt...so I'm not going to get too much into my body, or its functionings, right now...lol
(If you're new and wonder what I'm talking about when I say update, you can read this & you'll get it.)

This is more so just rambling and ranting.


You know...baby fever sucks a lot more when you're body isn't quite functioning properly.
When you know that it isn't going to be easy for you to experience that, if ever.
I know a handful of people, possibly two handfuls, that are currently pregnant.
I've seen Facebook posts of "something's in the water".
No..just..no.
Why?
Cause I'm not knocked up.
...yea, I realize how selfish that sounds...

And then there are the abundance of people who are pregnant that probably shouldn't be.
(Like a certain teen mom...)

In all fairness, maybe it's still just not time.
Or at least that's the best thing I can keep telling myself.
We've only been "trying" for a month or 2. So I know not to expect results fast, so my spirits are still high.
I just get annoyed by the fact that someone can have a one night stand or something & boom, baby on board.

I try to chalk it upto the whole God has a plan, it's his timing, yadda yadda. Maybe he's waiting for me to get a job, or maybe he feels it's not the right time...blah blah blah.
Or maybe he thinks I'm not ready, I often contemplate whether I am or not also, because I still have my days where I don't like the sight of (some) kids. (lol) Or because I doubt myself and wonder if I'll be a good mom. Or because I'm scared of such a HUGE life changing factor (fyi-I don't like change). Or because I'm just downright scared.
I think all of those are possible...
But I still have my days where I'm just like,..
Why?
Why do I not get to experience this when I have wanted a kid since I was like 19 or 20, if not younger? (Don't think I'm crazy! lol I fell in love when I became an aunt, I was 15 & I think my maternal instincts kicked in, and a few years after that I kinda started wanting my own.)
Why do I, someone who has done minimal bad things, not get this...but Betty Sue* can have kids & do drugs before, if I'm not mistaking during, aaand after having them. Or Martha Mae* can screw someone she can't even remember and be knocked up.

Idk.
I have times where I alllways want to browse baby stuff just to see what's new, what kind of baby clothes trends are going on etc.., and then times where I can walk by it and not even notice it.
I even have times where I despise the thought of making a diaper cake, and other times where I reallllly wanna make one...which is almost irrelevant since it's been almost a year since I've made one...haha.
And then there is the semi-fake "ohhh, congratulations" to some people. Not all, there are several people who I am thrilled for, that they are pregnant with number 1 or 2. But there are a few that I sit back and think,...really?!

I teeter-totter on how I feel about all aspects of  babies/kids, pregnancy, parenthood, life...
For some reason the past couple of days..or maybe weeks...it's been on my mind.
Anywho...
Just rambling, wanted to get it out before my head exploded or before I got myself down.

I'm trying to stay positive.
I actually try to not even think about it.
But when I do, I try to be positive.

"For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic."

♥♥♥
Brandy

*names have been changed for protection of the trash person(s) mentioned.

Baby makes 3?

Well not quite...
So, I'm supposed to be out doing Christmas shopping, but I haven't got ready to go yet. SO, I decided that while I'm still not ready I might as well procrastinate a little more to make this post..it's a bit lengthy so I apologize in advance.

Disclaimer: We're all adults, but I'll still let you know that this a female post. So, if you're cool with reading about my periods and lady stuff and such, then read on. lol

I mentioned Saturday, I believe, about a life-changing decision I was going to have to make that was bothering me. Well, now that I have talked to my hubs and talked to my best friend I feel like I can talk about it here now.

Hubs and I have been together for 9 & 1/2 yrs (actually on the 9th it will be exactly 9 & 1/2 yrs.) A couple of years ago...I think about 3 years ago, I decided to come off of my birth control. We were not TRYING to get pregnant, but we were at a place where we were okay if it happened.
SO, fast forward to a year after being taken off...My gyno wondered why I hadn't become pregnant yet. There were a couple of factors that played into it. One being the medication that Doug was on. We got that changed by his doctor and everything was hunky dory again.
Well, fast forward another year later (July 2011) after being taken off of BC & my gyno was still questioning why I hadn't become pregnant & to add to that me periods had become sporadic...again. (That was the main reason I was put on birth control as a teen, if I remember correctly.) The topic then turned to, "are you wanting to try or no?"...well my answer to that was not a flat out no, but I also wasn't ready to say YES I want to TRY. I wanted to still be at a place where what happens, happens.
3 months later (October 2011) I ended up having to go back to him because my sporadic period turned into a constant period. Not even exaggerating. I went for a good couple of months with a continuous period, everything from spotting to a flow. He gave me a prenatal vitamin prescription & tried me on progesterone. It evened me out for the short time I took it. I didn't do any of the refills though. Well 2012 hit & the first couple of months were kind of fine, and then my period went haywire again for a good month & 1/2, but instead of running back to him I just let it play out. It finally kind of "evened out" into what I kind of accepted as MY new normal (when it came to my pd anyway) and was doing about 2 weeks on- 2 weeks off, or 1 week on -2 weeks off.
Anyway...fast forward to time for my yearly...I knew I was supposed to schedule and appt for Oct. but I didn't.
At the beginning of October I went to the doctor (primary care dr.) to have some blood work done. She checked my Cholesterol, Trigs, blood count, electrolytes, liver function, kidney function, and thyroid function. I wanted to wait for those results before I went to my gyn. Those result came back, everything was within the normal levels (there are a few numbers that could be higher or lower for my own piece of mind, but I'm within the ranges I need to be in and that makes me happy.). Well, instead of calling to make my appt. right away I stalled. Not 100% sure why, I guess it's because I KNEW what our conversation was going to consist of and I wasn't quite ready for it.
Finally one day last week my mom asked me if I had called, I said, "no, I sure haven't." She said, "well do you need me to?" I jokingly said, "If it will make you not ask me about it again." lol...well she didn't, but I did to make her happy. And to my displeasure luck, I was able to get an appointment that Friday (which was last friday, 11-30). So I took a deep breath and said okay.
Friday comes, I fasted for my appt..I wasn't told to but I knew I was going to have bloodwork and I didn't know if I would need to fast or not for it, so I did anyway...better safe than sorry I suppose.
Well, of course the topic was periods and babies. For the past couple of months, surprisingly (pleasantly surprisingly) to me, my period has been normal. Once a month, ahhmazing. lol So, I did tell him that, but of course 2 months of normalcy compared to 2-3 years of randomness isn't a whole lot. The conclusion he had, which was something that we touched on last year -2011-, was that I am not ovulating every month. Which would make sense, because I barely have cramps or major discomfort during my times. I asked him about PCOS, which he said is pretty much in the ball field of what my problem is. He said it's common for women to go through some troubles, which I believe. He said he would do bloodwork to check some other hormones, but we discussed doing a few round of treatment to start out with. So, boom, just like that I am on my first fertility treatment.
It bothered me. I have many fears and doubts. My amazing best friend talked with me through them yesterday. My husband has listened to me express them & talked with me about them. So I feel better, but they are still there. I'm not going to get DEEP into them in this post, I may save that for it's own post. Anyway, Friday when I left, instead of a happy "Yay, I'm finally getting the ball rolling." I had the complete opposite reaction. I actually went home and pretty much cried all evening. Again, if I do another post with all my reservations, you'll know why.
So...ask he and I discussed...he gave me another prenatal prescription because mine was about to expire (which I had stopped taking it anyway), and he gave me another round of progesterone & then the ovulation meds.
My instructions: take to progesterone to give me a period, then track from day 1 of it, when I start. On day 5 is when I take the medicine that is supposed to make me ovulate, I take it from day 5 to day 9. On or around day 14 I should ovulate. So he told me to buy those over the counter ovulation tests and start checking on days 13-15 or 16. And then of course for hubs and I to bang try. haha.
WELL...come the next day, Saturday (12-1), my body decides, "you know what, you don't need progesterone, here have some spotting"...and just like that-- Day 1. Which means DUN-DUN-DUN today is Day 5.
After a few days of freaking out about it. I decided I'm going to try. So, today will be my first day of taking Clomid. It's also the first day of many changes for hubs & I both. I told him if I do this then he is going to get healthy with me, which for both of us really means losing weight and watching our portions. And he agreed.

So, welcome to my journey into trying to become a mom, I guess would be an okay way of wording it. lol
I'm going to try to blog about this, as I think it will be a good way to process my thoughts. So, I hope you guys don't mind & are willing to hang around. :)

Anyone else in the midst of this or have gone through, or about to start going through this?

Well, I need to go, I've got some errands to run and shopping that needs to be done. (bleh).
Hope my post made sense, my mind is still a little jumbled with all of it.
Have a great Wednesday all!

♥♥♥