My no baby rambles.

Having a baby brings on a lot of fears in most women.
For me.
It's almost everything- haha.
I over think things way too much.
But the big ones are the worst.

I feel like when you are trying to conceive your first child in a somewhat planned out manner it gives you a lot of time to think of things.
To think out different scenarios.
My messed up brain? It thinks of the bad.

What if there is something wrong with my body?
What if there is something wrong & I don't find out until after I get pregnant?
After conception...
What if something is wrong or ends up being wrong with my baby?
What if something happens to it?
What if something happens to me?

I feel like it's no secret by now that I'm petrified of death.
I'm scared shitless to give birth. Not going to lie AT ALL.
I'm scared of something going wrong...with me and/or baby.

These, among many others, are things that you decide to deal with and risk when going into starting a family.
And as much as I am wanting that family.
I'm wanting the pitter patter of little brats.
I'm also not completely wanting to deal with any negativity.

Sounds selfish, right?
I can't help it though.

I know God wouldn't give you something you couldn't handle.
But I question that at the same time.
He may think I'm stronger than I do.
I don't do well with a lot of pressure.
I feel like he knows that.

That's another reason I keep trying to tell myself that it's all in His timing.
I've even started praying on it again.

But Dear God, as much as I know it's your timing. I don't want to wait too many more years before I stop trying. I'm talking next year or so. So all I'm saying is, give me some kind of sign. Either it's gonna happen or not. If not, I'd like to know sooner than later so I can move on with my life in the proper direction.

Not knocking annnyyone waiting to get preggers in their late 20's. But me, personally, I have always wanted to be a young mom. Meaning I want a baby like 3 years ago... And Doug does too.

I haven't written about it in a while, because I've been trying doing what everyone on the freaking universe thinks I should do...not thinking about it.
I appreciate that advice from every, I really do, because I know that exactly what I should do. Not think about, not dwell on it, not worry about it.
However, when a couple is trying...it's way--wayyy-- harder to not think about it. Because, well, we're trying. You have to freakin keep up with your period/ovulation for God sakes, how the shit am I really supposed to NOT think about it.

Let me give you a little insight. From my personal experience anyway.
When my period comes, I'm bummed, not because I'm bleeding, but because I know what it likely means. The fact that mine is irregular, sucks so much more.
When my period doesn't come ("on time"-when it's normal-), I get a little excited while telling myself not to get excited.-Because after all,  it's probably just back to it's irregular self-
Having sex? More than likely it's on my mind. If by wonderful chance it's not, chances are it was beforehand & probably will be afterward.
Out to eat; want a margarita? No I probably shouldn't.
Crazy methods? Handstand after sex anyone (okay that's a total exaggeration, lol. But you get my point. It is a funny visual though)
Thinking about/planning working out and eating healthy. Oh you want to get in shape for summer? No I want to get healthy so I can grow a healthy human.

I really, really do try not to think about it a lot. Unfortunately that comes with not taking my prenatals, not tracking my period or checking my ovulation.
But, I've finally started having a few drinks a little more often. I promise I don't do handstands post-bang session. Lately I've gotten better about keeping my mind on other things.
And I really do enjoy everything about not having a kid right now. (which is another bit of advice I always get-and appreciate-).
But it's still there.
And it'll stay there.

I WILL make my follow up appointment next week.
The one I was supposed to make for the second week of JANUARY.
And then maybe I'll have an actual update of sorts instead of just rambles.
I don't even know if this post made a lot of sense & I'm not reading back through to find out.

♥♥♥
B

The Happiness Project.

Well, I was going to sit down and post earlier, but my internet had other plans.
I ended up having to push back blogging to get ready for the second part of my day; a gender reveal party. :)
Aww behbies
I didn't post yesterday (Thursday).
Which is okay 'cause I'm posting right now!

The last 2 days have been pretty great. (I have to add that the weather the past few days has also been amazeballs! I actually had to turn on my AC in my car today.)
Made the journey to K Mart (haven't been in a K Mart in a good 10 years), 2 counties away...JUST for a dresser thing to put in my bathroom. BUT, it was on sale & I was going to be able to use gift cards to pay for all of it. In other words--FREE to me. Well worth the drive. ;)
Now we just have to put it together...

Today, I decided to spoil myself.
I finally decided to suck it up and go get my camera.
:)
I came out of the day with a camera, 2 lenses, a carrying case & memory card. 2 shirts, Essie matte top coat, 2 poster frames, & The Happiness Project.

What's even better is I bought the camera, lenses, case, mem. card, Essie, & the book myself, with my money that I've saved for years.
For someone that's unemployed that's a proud thing to be able to say.
Don't get me wrong, I love when my hubs can spoil me, but to be able to say that I bought something I've wanted for so long makes me happy.
[reason 1848290 I need a job]
& I'm pretty excited about reading The Happiness Project. Heard good things about it, so hoping I like it too! I've decided to abandon my current book to read it since it doesn't look like it's that long. Seems like it'll be an easy read. Plus, I feel like for the past year or so I've been trying out my own Happiness Project of sorts....with a few exceptions. So yea, I'm ready to read it!

The gender reveal party was great. So cute. I couldn't be happier for them. It's my hubbies cousin & his wife. But of course I was asked about how things are going with mine & the hubs situation.
& I really had no answers since I STILL haven't been to my follow up appt. (I'm only like 9 weeks late on that follow-up) The only thing I can say is the usual, "I don't know, just hasn't happened yet"..."I try not to think about it"...."I try no to expect it"..."my body sucks"..."I suck because I avoid the dr for no reason"...okay so I didn't say the last 2, but still.
I'm not bothered by being asked that much because they know the situation & are genuinely curious. I'm just bothered by the fact that I can't give them the answer I want to give them. I just need to get my ass back to the Dr. so we can decide what we are going to do next. I know, I know..just do it!

Well, I came home & had a glass of wine, & it is time to unwind and cuddle up & stuff.
Busy day tomorrow!
Bass Pro Shop & The Harlem Globetrotters!
So excited to go see Big Blue (a catfish...my name for him) at Bass Pro!
I l-o-v-e BPS!
& I'm excited for the Globetrotters too, never seen them before!

OH! I haven't had time to sit down & really do my blog reading in a couple of days, but I've seen a ton of blog titles about everyone switching to bloglovin'?! Idk what that is. & I'm also a bit confused. I log into Blogger & read blogs that way...does that mean I need to switch too?! Like, is that part of Google Reader or whatever?!
Someone help? Please! haha

Hope everyone has a great weekend!
I'll catch up on my reading probably Sunday. :)
♥♥♥
Brandy