Tuesday, February 19, 2013

So...in the spirit of honesty...

let me be honest.

I have been battling depression for about,..ohh I would say 12ish years.
Not very many people know.
Not something I've ever freely shared... Until now, I suppose.
Anyone ever been depressed? So, you know how that feels? To be at your lowest of lows...
One of the reasons I don't drink much is because I feel like it would be so easy for me to become an alcoholic.
Why? Because who wants to be able to feel what hurts them?! Not me.
I'm numb, right now.
Just, numb.
And I am so, so "happy" because of that.
And you know what?! I feel like every so often I just need to be "numb."
I carry so much stress on myself, for absolutely no reason....& I know it's for now reason, yet I still carry it...
The stress of being a failure.
The stress of my body not quite functioning right.
The stress of thinking that I might be impeding on my parents.
Any and every stress...I probably carry it.
I'm 24, will be 25 in 5 months. I shouldn't be at home. As semi-responsible as it sounds, in the sense that my husband and I are not jumping face first into debt, I still don't like the fact that we do not have our own place.
Not because I don't want to be around my family, I'm actually a huge baby, if I knew I could handle it, I might never leave home. I absolutely love my family, and his. However, we just need our own place.
I really can't even put into words how much it's needed.
What makes this worse?
The fact that I check houses that are for sale every so often and then I pout because I'll find something that might suite us for now, but I know we can't swing it.
Not possible
I'll never make it anywhere with this frame of mind, but sometimes it's so hard to fight off.
I never, ever want to make my parents or my brother, or husband feel bad. In any way, shape or form.
There is so much that bothers me.
It really is all on me. I hide it from everyone.
It's not quite as severe as it used to be, though, so I guess that's a good thing?
I don't know.
It still gets bad.

I have absolutely no direction for this post right now.
I honestly want to puke and go to sleep.
But I also want another drink...

mabye I just need some music.

anyone ever watched the show Catfish?!
I have a post about something similar coming this week....

Luff yew.
this girl!


  1. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I will pray that it gets better for you. I know the feeling of the importance of your own place. I hope y'all can find a place soon!

  2. :( Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I've never been actually depressed but I've gone through some pretty tough times and I know it will get better for you. Just hold on! My husband and I live on our own right now and he just started a masters program where he interns full time so we're gonna be broke (like, even more broke than we were when we thought we were broke) so we're thinking about moving back in with my parents. It's a tough decision and it's not something we really wanna do as a married couple but if it's what's right for us then we have to do it. So don't worry about living with your parents! It's just what's right for you right now and in the future, when it's right you'll find a place of your own. The waiting game sucks...but I have to believe that when we get to that right spot it will be worth it. And it will be for you too! Feel better :)


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