Thursday, February 28, 2013

Rest In Peace

I don’t deal with death well…at all. But it’s amazing how strong you can be when you have to be.
It is literally my biggest fear in many ways.
I watched yesterday as one of the most important men in my husbands life struggled and drifted away.
His grandpa passed away.
I woke up around noon  & was told I needed to call Hubs that he probably needed me. I asked why, because when someone says that to you, you worry. My mom said he had called and said that his grandpa was in the hospital and it didn’t look good.
We were at the hospital all day/evening. They moved him from the ER to the ICU with the goal of simply keeping him comfortable and pain free.
After much praying my husbands aunt made the choice to take him off of life support & all the family was allowed back for as long as we needed.
He struggled and held on for about 3 hours and then he was gone.
I have never been through that. I’ve never seen someone struggle to breath. I’ve never seen someone take their last breath.
I’m still trying to put on a strong front, but it’s hard to see that. All I knew was that I had to be there for my husband. I wasn’t about to leave his side for anything. Not even to eat. Which, along with crying, caused a terrible headache. I didn’t eat anything, at all, yesterday until we got home at around 8:30 or 9.
I must have been running off of adrenaline or something, because as soon as I got home it all hit me. Nausea, weakness, dizziness...just, ew. I actually had to force the first bits of food down. I’ll not make that mistake again, it wasn’t fun.
It just doesn’t seem real though.
Walking out of the ICU, knowing he was gone…but it still just didn’t quite seem real.
It hurts. I hurt for my husband. He didn’t get to grow up with his dad & so his dad’s parents were always important to him. He felt he had to be there for his grandpa yesterday & so I was there for him. Even though he was unresponsive, the phone was held to his ear so he could hear his 2 brothers, and then he was able to hear his other sons voice, who is in prison. We all believe that’s what he was waiting on, to hear his son’s voice. He was surrounded by a little family & lots of love and we just tried to comfort him and much as possible in those last minutes. I know we all found/find a little peace in knowing that he’s now in Heaven with his own parents & 2 of his sons, one being my father-in-law, and all of his beloved dogs that he’s lost & he’s not hurting or suffering or disabled in any way anymore.
I’m just not good with it. It’s very hard for me to accept losing anyone. It’s hard for me to let go of it.
But, I have to be my husbands rock. And like a said, it’s amazing how strong you can be when you need to be. He handled it fairly well & he’s at work today because there just isn’t much he can do otherwise right now. The viewing is tomorrow afternoon/evening and Saturday morning, with the funeral Saturday afternoon.
Sorry for such a sad post, but that’s what my blog is for, right? My journal. To get it out.
So, I will be probably MIA on here ‘til about Sunday, or so.

Hope everyone has a great day, rest of the week and weekend.


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