My no baby rambles.

Having a baby brings on a lot of fears in most women.
For me.
It's almost everything- haha.
I over think things way too much.
But the big ones are the worst.

I feel like when you are trying to conceive your first child in a somewhat planned out manner it gives you a lot of time to think of things.
To think out different scenarios.
My messed up brain? It thinks of the bad.

What if there is something wrong with my body?
What if there is something wrong & I don't find out until after I get pregnant?
After conception...
What if something is wrong or ends up being wrong with my baby?
What if something happens to it?
What if something happens to me?

I feel like it's no secret by now that I'm petrified of death.
I'm scared shitless to give birth. Not going to lie AT ALL.
I'm scared of something going wrong...with me and/or baby.

These, among many others, are things that you decide to deal with and risk when going into starting a family.
And as much as I am wanting that family.
I'm wanting the pitter patter of little brats.
I'm also not completely wanting to deal with any negativity.

Sounds selfish, right?
I can't help it though.

I know God wouldn't give you something you couldn't handle.
But I question that at the same time.
He may think I'm stronger than I do.
I don't do well with a lot of pressure.
I feel like he knows that.

That's another reason I keep trying to tell myself that it's all in His timing.
I've even started praying on it again.

But Dear God, as much as I know it's your timing. I don't want to wait too many more years before I stop trying. I'm talking next year or so. So all I'm saying is, give me some kind of sign. Either it's gonna happen or not. If not, I'd like to know sooner than later so I can move on with my life in the proper direction.

Not knocking annnyyone waiting to get preggers in their late 20's. But me, personally, I have always wanted to be a young mom. Meaning I want a baby like 3 years ago... And Doug does too.

I haven't written about it in a while, because I've been trying doing what everyone on the freaking universe thinks I should do...not thinking about it.
I appreciate that advice from every, I really do, because I know that exactly what I should do. Not think about, not dwell on it, not worry about it.
However, when a couple is trying...it's way--wayyy-- harder to not think about it. Because, well, we're trying. You have to freakin keep up with your period/ovulation for God sakes, how the shit am I really supposed to NOT think about it.

Let me give you a little insight. From my personal experience anyway.
When my period comes, I'm bummed, not because I'm bleeding, but because I know what it likely means. The fact that mine is irregular, sucks so much more.
When my period doesn't come ("on time"-when it's normal-), I get a little excited while telling myself not to get excited.-Because after all,  it's probably just back to it's irregular self-
Having sex? More than likely it's on my mind. If by wonderful chance it's not, chances are it was beforehand & probably will be afterward.
Out to eat; want a margarita? No I probably shouldn't.
Crazy methods? Handstand after sex anyone (okay that's a total exaggeration, lol. But you get my point. It is a funny visual though)
Thinking about/planning working out and eating healthy. Oh you want to get in shape for summer? No I want to get healthy so I can grow a healthy human.

I really, really do try not to think about it a lot. Unfortunately that comes with not taking my prenatals, not tracking my period or checking my ovulation.
But, I've finally started having a few drinks a little more often. I promise I don't do handstands post-bang session. Lately I've gotten better about keeping my mind on other things.
And I really do enjoy everything about not having a kid right now. (which is another bit of advice I always get-and appreciate-).
But it's still there.
And it'll stay there.

I WILL make my follow up appointment next week.
The one I was supposed to make for the second week of JANUARY.
And then maybe I'll have an actual update of sorts instead of just rambles.
I don't even know if this post made a lot of sense & I'm not reading back through to find out.

♥♥♥
B