Monday, August 19, 2013

Never easy letting go...

You know that feeling of extreme guilt?
Where you have no excuse for something that you just happened,
but you feel bad about it.
And then something worse happens, to where you can't make it up, ever.

I told you all about a month ago that my Great Aunt -my mom's Aunt- was at the hospital for pneumonia & ended up being diagnosed with cancer. It was everywhere.
She passed away Wednesday morning at about 7:35am. Exactly a month after being diagnosed.
I got up, got ready & went to her house, where my mom was. And spent the morning over there until the funeral home came and removed her. I don't think I have ever really saw my Granny cry, but seeing her sister wheeled out on a gurney broke her a bit & that was hard for me to see.
Mom and I came home & she went to bed because she had been awake all night & I made cornbread and just kind of sat there, thinking.
The last half of my week was spent at the funeral home & the funeral was Saturday.

Dora Mae was my next door neighbor for the first 10 years of my life.
So many of my childhood memories were at her house.
Eating biscuits. Cornbread. Anything, she always fed whoever was at her house.
Playing with my cousins.
Watching soap operas.

My guilt stems from not seeing her much at all after we moved.
We only moved across the highway, maybe 5 minutes away (if even).
Granted for about 6 years it was out of my hands, being as I couldn't drive, but after that what was stopping me? I feel bad for not popping in and seeing her periodically. The fact that I visited her more in the past month than I have in the past I don't know how many years is pathetic, to me.
I know I shouldn't be beating myself up this much, it's not about me. But sometimes you can help but hold that bit of guilt. I just hope that she knew that I loved her. I know I was able to tell her several times in the last month, but I just hope that she really knew and felt it. I hope she was able to feel the love from everyone, because there was a lot of it.
Something else that makes me sad is when something like this brings families together. It's such a bittersweet thing. You get to see people you haven't seen in years, but it's for the wrong reasons. Meeting new people, becoming reacquainted with others.
Like I said, bittersweet.

Anyway, that's what has been going on most of last week and into the weekend. That's why I've been pretty MIA (esp. on here)...yet again.

But here I am.
I am actually glad it's Monday. I welcome it. Last week was hard, yesterday was even hard on me, but I won't get into that in this post.
I'm ready for this week. I need to find a bit of a pick-me-up, I don't want to slip back into my hole too deep.

So, Happy Monday, folks.


  1. Aw Brandy.. My heart hurts for you. I know what that guilt feels like. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time :(

  2. What a tough, draining week for you... so sorry y'all are going through this. I hope this week is a better week for you... chin up buttercup! xo


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