Oh how I wanted to do that.
So much weighing to heavy on my head and on my heart.
The same things as always, of course.
It's pretty sad when you get the chance for some alone time over the weekend. A chance to just be, even if just for a little bit, and you come out worse than before.
Who wakes up, rolls over and just lays in bed thinking and crying?
I was just so ready for my husband to be home.
But, even once he got here I couldn't shake my ugly attitude.
It wasn't even directed towards anyone in particular.
I'm just hateful. And that may actually be putting it mildly.
I don't like when it upset the people around me and it upset D.
He ended up going to another room for a little while to let me kind of calm down.
And that upset me, that I was being so mean, not to him, but just...negative.
It's pretty bad when you're putting up your laundry (which I'm pretty sure is the very thing I was complaining about at the time) and you just wonder how easy it would be to sneak away.
I wondered if I could just go out my door and walk around bag and jump in my car and leave before anyone had a chance to make it to the front porch. I thought about leaving my phone as well.
But then I thought about how I couldn't do that. For several reasons. For starters, if Doug ever did that to me I would be LIVID.
And in hindsight, I don't want to worry him or my parents.
I don't even know where I would go. It's ridiculous.
So, I just sat in bed. Thinking. Which is what got me in this frame of mind.
It's pretty bad when you think that maybe you need to consider therapy.
I feel like if I ever went to therapy I'd just cry during my entire first appointment.
You ever picture or act things out in your head as you think about them? Yea that's what I pictured.
It just sucks because there is SO much in my life to be happy about.
It's very confusing because I can have great days, and yet I'm so unhappy all at the same time.
That façade.
"I put on my daily façade but then I just end up getting hurt again, by myself."
Only, it's not always a façade, it's not always false. I can genuinely be all smiles all day, but deep down, I'm not smiling.
It's me, it's all me.
I'm the problem.
I'm also the only one who can fix it.
I don't know how.
I don't know what to do, where to start.
I don't fully know who I am.
Over the past couple of years I've started soul searching again, because I did lose myself.
I don't think I was who I thought I was, it just didn't suit.
The problem is, soul searching leads to really soul searching. And a part of me isn't good, or happy, what the hell ever word you want to use.
It sucks. It does. But, it's there.
♥
If I could give you a hug, I would. I wish there was some magic word I could say that would make it easier but I've been there and it's just something you have to get through with time. Are you restless? Maybe you need some small getaway. Maybe a new hobby or skill you could work on? When we get like this, we crave change - I think? - so I hope you fixate on whatever it is that might help and run with it. Life is so short; enjoy it as much as you possibly can.
ReplyDelete