My no baby rambles.

Having a baby brings on a lot of fears in most women.
For me.
It's almost everything- haha.
I over think things way too much.
But the big ones are the worst.

I feel like when you are trying to conceive your first child in a somewhat planned out manner it gives you a lot of time to think of things.
To think out different scenarios.
My messed up brain? It thinks of the bad.

What if there is something wrong with my body?
What if there is something wrong & I don't find out until after I get pregnant?
After conception...
What if something is wrong or ends up being wrong with my baby?
What if something happens to it?
What if something happens to me?

I feel like it's no secret by now that I'm petrified of death.
I'm scared shitless to give birth. Not going to lie AT ALL.
I'm scared of something going wrong...with me and/or baby.

These, among many others, are things that you decide to deal with and risk when going into starting a family.
And as much as I am wanting that family.
I'm wanting the pitter patter of little brats.
I'm also not completely wanting to deal with any negativity.

Sounds selfish, right?
I can't help it though.

I know God wouldn't give you something you couldn't handle.
But I question that at the same time.
He may think I'm stronger than I do.
I don't do well with a lot of pressure.
I feel like he knows that.

That's another reason I keep trying to tell myself that it's all in His timing.
I've even started praying on it again.

But Dear God, as much as I know it's your timing. I don't want to wait too many more years before I stop trying. I'm talking next year or so. So all I'm saying is, give me some kind of sign. Either it's gonna happen or not. If not, I'd like to know sooner than later so I can move on with my life in the proper direction.

Not knocking annnyyone waiting to get preggers in their late 20's. But me, personally, I have always wanted to be a young mom. Meaning I want a baby like 3 years ago... And Doug does too.

I haven't written about it in a while, because I've been trying doing what everyone on the freaking universe thinks I should do...not thinking about it.
I appreciate that advice from every, I really do, because I know that exactly what I should do. Not think about, not dwell on it, not worry about it.
However, when a couple is trying...it's way--wayyy-- harder to not think about it. Because, well, we're trying. You have to freakin keep up with your period/ovulation for God sakes, how the shit am I really supposed to NOT think about it.

Let me give you a little insight. From my personal experience anyway.
When my period comes, I'm bummed, not because I'm bleeding, but because I know what it likely means. The fact that mine is irregular, sucks so much more.
When my period doesn't come ("on time"-when it's normal-), I get a little excited while telling myself not to get excited.-Because after all,  it's probably just back to it's irregular self-
Having sex? More than likely it's on my mind. If by wonderful chance it's not, chances are it was beforehand & probably will be afterward.
Out to eat; want a margarita? No I probably shouldn't.
Crazy methods? Handstand after sex anyone (okay that's a total exaggeration, lol. But you get my point. It is a funny visual though)
Thinking about/planning working out and eating healthy. Oh you want to get in shape for summer? No I want to get healthy so I can grow a healthy human.

I really, really do try not to think about it a lot. Unfortunately that comes with not taking my prenatals, not tracking my period or checking my ovulation.
But, I've finally started having a few drinks a little more often. I promise I don't do handstands post-bang session. Lately I've gotten better about keeping my mind on other things.
And I really do enjoy everything about not having a kid right now. (which is another bit of advice I always get-and appreciate-).
But it's still there.
And it'll stay there.

I WILL make my follow up appointment next week.
The one I was supposed to make for the second week of JANUARY.
And then maybe I'll have an actual update of sorts instead of just rambles.
I don't even know if this post made a lot of sense & I'm not reading back through to find out.

♥♥♥
B

Here lately...

I've just been going through the motions of the day....most days.
Including but not limited to:
Losing "friends"
Pissing people off
trying to not become a basket case
procrastiting
etc etc.

And, I'm tired.
It's exhausting trying to not being a complete and total bitch.
I feel like my mind stays so jumbled as is, but it's always so much worse when I've got unnecessary things bearing weight on it.

And to top it off, I have until Saturday to take a self review to keep my Certification active.
I have to pay $50 to take this test...and I will probably fail.
Just like I did on the last one.
Sometimes I wonder how I even passed in the first place.

I haven't gotten a call back -yet- about that job, so I'm just gonna assume it's been filled.
It would have been perfect though, part time.
But, I applied for another job too so, fingers crossed.
I feel like I'm gonna end up having to hit up the outlet mall & see who's hiring.
Not that THAT will do me any good.

I started reading The Happiness Project the other night.
I'm only on March, (haven't started it yet).
I literally fell asleep 10 minutes after I started reading it the other day.
That is NOT saying anything about the book,
That is about me. lol Reading sometimes relaxes me TOO much.
Alas, I woke back up & continued reading through the Intro, Jan. & Feb.
I have to say I'm loving it so far.
I almost want to sit down with a highlighter & start over so highlight some of the things she says.
You read and you're just like..."yes!"
I can't wait to continue it.

I'd really like to get out and take pictures.
I still haven't really dove into my camera yet.
And this is what I was afraid of.

Just lots on my mind.
I've already said it once, I've gotta sort my thoughts out.
The house will be less crowded this weekend,
so I'm hoping that will allow me to not feel so uptight.

I also need to find my "topic list" for here.
Before I started my blog I had a list of things to write about.
I need to find it again for those days that I want to post, but
don't really have anything to update or write about.

 .....rambling over.

♥♥♥
Brandy

I can't believe & A Fool to Guide You

I can't believe... everyone believes your bullshit. You're a parasite in everyone's ears, or to their eyes.
I can't believe... I let you get to me that much.
I can't believe... that I have been awake since 10-something & haven't eaten anything yet. ugh, I'm STARVING RIGHT NOW!
I can't believe... I still haven't mailed off my God Son's birthday gift. I suck at mailing things sometimes.
I can't believe... that there are so many fun and exciting things that I would really love to pile on my list, but can't. >.<
I can't believe... how freaking obsessed I became with FOB's new song(s). I swear YouTube got mad at me yesterday for listening to one over-and over- and over- and over...etc.
I can't believe... that I've probably ate half a bag of reeses eggs, alone.
I can't believe... the way my mind works.
I can't believe... that I'm still trying to find a job without connections and no one is willing to give me a chance.
I can't believe... I've let so much build up in me again. That's the point of my blog, to let it out.
I can't believe... that we had about 2 days of blowing snow. No accumulating or sticking. Just..snowing. Happy to see the sun again, will be happier to feel the warmer temps again.
I can't believe... I have like 3 days to take a self review test to keep my certification active.
I can't believe... that I'll have to pay $50 for said test, only to probably fail it like I did the last one. SHIT!

You should probably link up with Robin. I know you'll love her! I do!

And because I have bloggy friends/readers that read.
I'm going to give another Florida friend of mine a shoutout.
My friend Drew-who I met through Framing Hanley, has written his first book, and with a fundraiser was able to raise funds to have it published. I, among many others, pledged to help, because I had faith in his ability to put out a good book. And if I can support a friend, I will.
After a lot of hooplah with one publishing company, he finally found another to work with and everything has taken off.
It's in the final stages of being done & is now on sale on Amazon & Westbow's website!
I have already read it, since I was one of the supporters in his fundraiser.
I love it.
It's a supernatural type story. But also has a virtuous undertone.
About a married couple, attempting to save their damaged marriage, taking a weekend retreat with their son in tow. While their, the the demons of the husbands past mixed with dark forces in the night try to unravel what's left of their marriage, all the while they use their faith in and love for one another to fight off the darkness. But will it be enough?
You just have to read it. I loved it.
It's called "A Fool To Guide You".
You can go HERE & HERE to read the description & purchase it in either paperback or hardback.
At least read the description, he obviously tells about it better than I can. haha.

Thanks, lovelies!
♥♥♥
Brandy

My Best Frenemy

You & Me.
Best Friends, we'll be.
Uplifting and fun.
Through smiles and laughter,
Tears and heartache,
Tragedy and triumph.
Friends 'til the end,
Is how it began.
Though now it seems,
My worst enemy
Became the one
I never expected
It to be.
Now good times
And bickering.
Supporting and one-upping.
Down a slippery slope,
Where "Best Friends" became a joke.
Buried beneath
The anger and sarcasm
Lies the best of friends
Who still care.
But on the surface,
It is as it seems;
We've become Best Frenemies.
Love and malice
For one another.
Lead us to discover;
Even the best of friends
Can be broken.
But when the bad
Outweighs the good
Beyond the point of repair.
It's best to part ways, separate;
Let it be.
Only time will tell if wounds will heal.
Best Friends we said we'd always be.
But on the surface,
You and Me.
We became
Best Frenemies.


♥
Sissy

Finish the...

Because I have nothing to really write about right now....I'm linking up with Holly and her bloggy friend Jake for a fun finish the sentence link up! 

I was gonna do this last week,...but I just didn't. I know, I suck.

Here it goes..

1. If calories didn't count, I would eat... wait...calories count? ;) I'm bad with calories because I still eat whatever I want. haha.

2. On my Prom night.... I wore a green, glittery dress. My then-bf (now-hubs) didn't dance. A group of us sat outside & talked the entire time, went inside when King/Queen announcement was happening. Got our pictures taken & that was it! Then we -D & I & one other guy- proceeded to a hotel to meet some other friends to get drunk...I was the only one still in school so it was "my" after prom party. lol

3. When I go to the store, I always buy... something I don't need that causes me to spend way too much money. (Looking at you WalMart, you damn moneytrap!) And a Mountain Dew.

4. Family functions typically... are very loud & involve lots of laughter.

5. I think my blog readers... are awesome & I'm thankful for them. Don't be shy. Let's be friiieeeennnds!

6. I'd much rather be..... in my own home with my hubby.
 

7. I have an obsession with....the color blue, music, pictures (looking at and taking), social media at times, my TV shows, laughing, and this guy...

And this song, at the moment..

Thank Jesus Fall Out Boy has returned.♥

8. My work friends.... don't have those, unfortunately.

9. When I created my Facebook account.... I only did it because MySpace was losing steam. lol

10. My least favorite word is... no...but really, I don't know. I know there are words I don't like, but I can't think of any...
 

11. I really don't remember.... what words are my least favorite. Haha! or...what I'm supposed to be doing half the time. Or my passwords half the time. (I'll type it in 10 times before I get the right one), but I can remember random stuff.

12. Justin Bieber.... gave me the fever, Bieber Fever. But Biebs, dude...get it together. Always loved how you seemed so humbled...don't lose that! Dammit! 

BOOM!

Anyone have a Twitter?

Tell me your Twitter handle!

♥♥♥

Brandy

Ready for a new week.

Last week wasn't terrible. Just a bump in the road.
The attack of the Drama Llama, you know...typical catty bitch stuff.
I've done pretty well at holding my tongue...so far.
However, my poor cousin & hubs have heard my few rants.
And any of you that read it.
The week ended great, though.
Great moods on Friday & yesterday I got to see my niece! I hadn't seen her since Christmas. She makes my world go round. I love her so much.

 

The 5 of us ladies -Me, her mom, her, my mom, and my granny- went shopping at the Outlet Mall and then spent a little time at home & then they headed home.
I hope I get to see her again soon.
While shopping, I had a small, minute panic attack (okay not really) because I went to go to Rue 21...and it was gone! Then I realized they just moved it. Got to the new location, & it's BIGGER! & Also having a great grand opening sale. I didn't buy anything but I did try stuff on...like this..

I WILL be going back to get both pairs of jeans & that shirt.
Also, those black jeans....are a size bigger -ick- than what I wear, but they are "super skinny" jeans so therefore, they are tiiight! I want them REAL bad, but my busted can o' biscuits (aka muffin top x's 100) just chills out, way out. SO,..I'm thinking of getting them as a part of a "motivational outfit." I will HAVE to workout to fit in them comfortably. & The blue ones are a bit tight too, so it'd be the same for those.
Either way...I kinda love them.
So, yea. We'll be going back for me to get some new stuff & to get hubby love some new shorts!
After all the shopping fun & after they left, hubs & I went to see his mom & then made a quick run to Walmart & back home.
I bought the movie "This Is 40". It was pretty good. Doug fell asleep on me, per usual. See, he makes the mistake of thinking he can lay down to watch movies with me...naw..don't work too well. Haha.
It's okay though.
I don't have much to say today. I have lots on my mind & plenty to get out, but I need to sort it all first.
So, I'll link up with Neely & Ashley and do a Sunday Social! ♥

1. What is your favorite thing about Spring?
The main thing is that the weather is warmer! And then anything that comes with the warmer weather. :)

2. Favorite kind of flowers to grow or receive?
Roses, pansies, bleeding hearts...

3. What is your favorite nail polish color?
I don't paint my nails that often, so I don't really have a favorite...if I had to pick, probably a shade of blue. Or white...?

4. What is your favorite out door activity?
Cookouts & bonfires! Walking. Concerts. Sitting around and talking. Sports...

5. Do you have any fun Spring plans? Details.
As far as events: we have a concert at Sanford Stadium (Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, Jake Owen & Thomas Rhett) Go Dawgs!
And then I'm taking a weekender trip to Savannah to meet up with my right lung (my best of the bestest).
And I think that's all of the set in stone plans we have so far...
Our anniversary & Hubs b-day is in June, but we have no plans for either...yet.
And I know we wanna start walking...so that can count as plans, lol.
And of course throw in some cookouts. Etc, etc.

Gonna leave off with this...

My Sugar sleeps like this sometimes...She cray!

& this...

Best invention ever made...for my dog! lol This is our dog, Spud...he's nutso...

:)
Happy Sunday!
♥♥♥
Brandy 

A little venting, I Can't Believe...and a singing parrot. Happy Spring!

I'm sitting here, eating my popcorn, easy cheese, chicken in a biscuit cracker snack, chugging a mt.dew & wasting time instead of going to put in the application that I was going to put in today.
Rad.
Not, I'm pretty disappointed in myself for not going to put that app in. I shall do it tomorrow...says the girl who has been saying that for over a week. It'll end up being the typical case of me waiting too long--or just not getting chosen.
So, I have been wanting to go see my favorites (Framing Hanley) & had my hubbers talked into going on an overnight stay 4 hrs away to see 'em. He was game. I asked if he wanted me to invite someone else so he would have company while I was in the middle of the crowd enjoying the show, he said sure.
I had invited someone already but we hadn't talked about it in a week or 2. Last night on a whim, while it was on my mind, I decided to ask again. Only I did it via FB...& my ex-bff(?) flipped. her. shit.
So nice of her to dedicate a status on FB about me..

 

 that included these comments, among others.

Yes, sweetheart I know how I am.
It was all posted last night, but I didn't notice until today when I was scrolling through FB. And of course it has accumulated many comments.
There was a status, 2 posts made to 2 diff mutual friends that I'm taking as slight digs at me, followed by an Ecard post & a song (Beyonce- Irreplaceable..that one--I'm not sure if it's about me, lmao).
I can say that I get it. It's not like I'm all "*gasp* how dare she, she had no reason to say that."
However, seeing things on FB don't mean a lot.
As Karma would have it for me, about 3 or 4 hours after all of this junk was posted. Nixon (the lead singer) told me that that show had actually been canceled.
Why Karma? Because this is the friend that I had the falling out with last year...and the "straw that broke the camels back" was about the exact. same. thing. A Framing Hanley show.
Replay, much?
We've both been bad friends. But I decided last year that I wasn't going to let any bickering consume me like I normally would...resulting in me looking like even more of a bitch than I am...& I am a bitch. So yea, I look like a terrible friend. Which is a little bit true...but only to her.
Bitch, much? Told you.
Anyway, since I saw all of this I have tried to not let it bother me & in order to do that I gotta get it out.
So sorry to subject you guys to the Drama Llama.

I'll not "feed" her right now. I'm gonna wait and see if she tries to take anymore indirect digs.

Onto a new link up with someone who is sure to brighten your day! I just love the little ray o' sunshine that is Robin & you'll love her too! Go link up (click on the pic!)

I can't believe...that I wasted that much energy typing about that ridiculousness.
I can't believe...that I FINALLY get to see My Girl this weekend. (My niece who I haven't seen since Christmas...I'm so excited!)
I can't believe...that I get to have a girls weekend with my best of the best in about a month!
I can't believe...it's already Mid-March. On one hand it's like, "it's just March.." on the other it's like, "Is APRIL really only 2 weeks away?! WHAT?"
I can't believe...I still haven't made my follow up appt. with my gyno.
I can't believe...my supper last night was a large order of fries from McDonald's, a mountain dew, & A white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie.
I can't believe...it's not butter!

Lol, my mind went blank!
Hope everyone had been having a great FIRST DAY OF SPRING! :)

 yayyy one of my favorite seasons!

♥♥♥
Brandy

I'll leave you with this.

Parrot singing "Bodies" by Drowning Pool